As a teen I had an unfavorable view of herb. As a child, every guy I knew that smoked, was a complete “Stoner, always covered in the funk of Mary Jane, falling out in class ( or the hallway ) and impossible to understand. Back than I feared the day someone would ask if I wanted a toke.
Somehow as an adult I finally embraced the idea with my “Stoner” cousin. That was long ago. When I think back to my pre-weed days, I remember the fear and nervousness I felt as a “Newb.” No one should have to go through that to enjoy a good bone.
So now that my rookie days are a thing of the past and I’ve crossed over into the big leaves, I have some knowledge to pass down to “would be smokers. Not knowing the ways of the world could be disastrous. A mistake can piss people off, cheat yourself out of free future smoke, or at the very least make people think you’re a bit of a Bell end. Nobody wants to be a bell end. So let me take you under my wing. Check out these tips so you can feel more comfortable crossing over to the dark side ya newb.
PUFF PUFF PASS
Puff, puff pass! It’s one of the oldest and truest rules to have among smokers. Some even say that when the 10 Pot Commandments were chiseled out in year one - giving birth to the term “Stoner” (Get it? The chisel reference ), – this was the 1st message they carved.
Among smokers and fans of the movie Friday puff, puff pass is a phrase as familiar as moms baked goods. The message here is simple. Don’t be a hog. If I offer you a sip of my cola, you’re not going to finish half the damn drink and then hand it back (are you? You are!?! Douchebag!). So especially don’t do it when it comes to good herb. This is tough for newbies to grasp seeing as how the inhalation process is one of their toughest barriers. Even so, if your burning up product it counts as actually smoking it. What do you think, this stuff grows on trees? Nobody wants to watch you burn their stash to the ground trying to figure out how your lungs work.
DON’T INVITE YOURSELF
If your asked to join a smoke session it means whoever is inviting you likes you at least enough to drop a little bit of their hard-earned cash. Take it as a compliment, but do not automatically believe this entitles you to all future circles. Unless you’re best friends with the main man, it is almost never okay to invite yourself to a smoke out if you don’t have any herb to contribute.
You’ve got to understand that this stuff gets expensive. You don’t expect your acquaintances to buy you drinks at a bar, so why would this be any different? So the next time to you see your creative writing classmates running off to the parking lot during break, let them be. Unless of course you’re asked to join. In which case you always say “yes, thank you.”
DON’T INVITE OTHERS
If you should be asked to smoke with a small group, or even just a small person, DO NOT under any circumstances invite another friend. If someone is nice enough to share a piece of their fortune don’t be a jerk and take advantage. There are few things worse to a guy down to his last nug than to look up from packing a bowl and see a couple of vultures circling around his pipe smacking their lips. Even just one uninvited guest is enough to shrink your buzz, and possible make the host pack up their stash sooner.
DON’T BE A CRITIC
I can’t stand when some “Newb” has the nerve to criticize another mans smoke. The fact is, some herb is good and some is great. I don’t know many true smokers that would turn down a hit b/c the smoke just wasn’t up to their standards. Don’t get me wrong, standards are good to have. Especially when it comes to getting what you pay for. But don’t be a snob. If someone is nice enough to share a little piece of their happiness with you, don’t belittle their efforts. I hate, hate, hate to see people get clowned for their weed. Especially when their smoking everybody out. Just cough and smile.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
Just because everyone you’ve smoked with knows you smoke and visa versa, doesn’t mean everyone else has to know. (say that 5 times fast, or say it high just once) When your in civilian territory play it cool. Don’t point out your buddies red eyes, don’t talk about the smell on our clothes (we all smell it) and don’t call anybody out for not being able to handle their buzz in public. At least not out loud where big brother or anyone in a position to judge you can hear. Keep it classy. Keep it low.
SHARING IS CARING
If you should find the opportunity to “Spread the Wealth”, do so. Herb comes and goes like the sweet winds of chance. Whenever you’re out of smoke the best thing ever is a good friend who doesn’t mind sharing. The way to grow your very own list of people who will smoke you out for free is to smoke others out. The rules of karma have become suspiciously relevant in the weed game. The best way to increase your chances of getting high in your driest of times is to share the love when things are green.
So there you have it, just enough to get you high without killing everyone’s else’s buzz . . .so, you ready? Great let’s get smokin’. You what!?!? You thought I was carryin’?!?
Damn it. Effin “Newbs!”
